When I started working with a Life Coach, one of the first topics we started to unpack was my relationship with myself.
Not only did I not think of the way I interacted with myself as a relationship, but I also didn’t realize that I was so mean.
And I was SO mean.
I would judge myself for every thought, action, and opinion I had. I would berate myself when I made the tiniest mistake. I would ignore my need to rest, take a break, have a snack, ask for help, take a day off, quit, walk away, or just breathe.
My expectations were completely unrealistic.
And I didn’t have my own back.
As I started to hear the way I spoke to myself along with the stories of trauma, past experiences, and hardships that I’ve endured, and it broke my heart.
Not only did I not deserve to be treated poorly, but I deserved love.
So I made a pact to change my relationship with myself immediately.
Here are some of the tools I used:
I started to notice (without judgement) all the times I called myself an idiot, told myself I was doing a terrible job, was quick to criticize myself, glossed over something I did well, said that I was overreacting, agreed to something I really didn’t want to do, and powered through exhaustion and overwhelm.
I started to speak to myself as though I were a child in need of comfort - good job, that was really hard and you did it, that’s okay, you’re doing your best, of course you feel (insert emotion here), I know, it’s going to be okay, you can try again next time, you’re doing great!
I stopped speaking about myself negatively - I am terrible at this, I’m such a mess, I’m a worrier, I’m being a drama queen, I can’t do that, I’m the worst, I’m not ______ enough, I shouldn’t be this way, I shouldn’t feel this way, I am such an idiot!
I started to give myself grace and let go of perfectionism. Sometimes B+ work is good enough. I’m not for everyone but if I’m coming from a place of love and kindness and trying my best, that’s good enough for me. And, as my son always says, “Everybody makes mistakes.”
I started to celebrate my wins. I didn’t walk around bragging about all my accomplishments, but in my safe spaces - with my coach, with my best friend, in my journal - I acknowledged what I was doing well, where I was trying my best, what was working, and where I was feeling proud of myself.
I started to honor my needs - taking a break, slowing down, connecting with friends, getting help (coaching, counseling, therapy, etc.), saying no, setting boundaries, creating a bedtime routine, moving my body, being intentional about what I watch/read/listen to and who I surround myself with, and showing myself love.
If you have noticed that you don’t always have your own back, you might start to get curious. You don’t have to use every tool on the list all at once. Baby steps. Do what works for you and start to change your relationship with yourself from critical and judgmental to trusting and full of grace.