We spend so much time thinking about our relationships with other people. We think about how we communicate, how we show up, how we can be better friends, partners, parents, and coworkers. We think about how to be more understanding, patient, supportive, and kind.
But how often do we stop to think about the relationship we have with ourselves?
How do you speak to yourself when you make a mistake? What happens when you don't follow through on something you said you'd do? How do you treat yourself when you're disappointed, overwhelmed, or struggling?
For many of us, the relationship we have with ourselves isn't necessarily one we'd choose if we were starting from scratch.
We might be quick to criticize, judge our choices, or tell ourselves we should be doing better. We might use guilt to motivate ourselves, push through our needs, or believe that being hard on ourselves is the only way to stay accountable.
And because these habits are so familiar, we may not even recognize them as part of a relationship.
The way you treat yourself, especially when things don't go the way you hoped, plays a big role in the relationship you build with yourself.
Are you someone you feel safe being human around?
Think about someone you love. When they make a mistake, do you immediately tell them how irresponsible they are? When they're having a hard day, do you tell them to stop being so dramatic? When they make a decision that doesn't work out, do you question their ability to make good decisions altogether?
Probably not. At least, not if you're trying to have a healthy relationship with them.
Yet many of us speak to ourselves in ways we'd never speak to someone we care about.
We call ourselves lazy when we're exhausted. We beat ourselves up for saying yes when we wanted to say no. We replay conversations and criticize ourselves for what we should have said. We make one mistake and turn it into evidence that we can't get anything right.
We expect ourselves to be human, but we don't always give ourselves permission to be human.
But what if your relationship with yourself could be a place where you feel safe making mistakes, expressing your needs, and figuring things out?
When did being hard on yourself become a good thing?
Sometimes, we rely on criticism and judgment because we believe they help us do better.
We tell ourselves that if we're not hard enough on ourselves, we'll become lazy, make bad decisions, or never learn from our mistakes. We might even be afraid that showing ourselves grace means making excuses or letting ourselves off the hook.
But there's a difference between accountability and punishment.
You don't have to make yourself feel bad in order to make a change.
You can take responsibility for your actions without attacking your character. You can recognize a pattern you'd like to change without treating yourself as a problem. You can learn from a mistake without making yourself pay for it emotionally.
You don't have to choose between being kind to yourself and holding yourself accountable. You can do both.
Start noticing how you treat yourself
Pay attention to the moments when you feel disappointed in yourself, make a mistake, or don't meet your own expectations.
What do you say to yourself?
Do you immediately criticize yourself? Do you dismiss your feelings or tell yourself you shouldn't feel the way you do? Do you focus on everything you got wrong and overlook what you did well?
Or can you offer yourself some understanding? Can you acknowledge what happened without turning it into a judgment about who you are?
You might start by asking yourself:
Would I speak to someone I love this way?
Am I trying to learn from this, or am I punishing myself for it?
What would kindness look like in this situation?
Can I take responsibility for what happened without making myself feel worse?
You don't have to get the answers right. The goal isn't to find another thing to criticize yourself for. It's to become curious about the relationship you're already having with yourself.
Awareness gives you the opportunity to make a different choice.
What if you started treating yourself like someone who matters?
Imagine what might change if you became someone who offered yourself grace when you struggled, kindness when you made a mistake, and encouragement when you were trying something new.
What if you could trust yourself to work through a difficult decision without needing to criticize yourself into making the right one?
What if you could acknowledge your needs without feeling guilty for having them?
What if you could celebrate your accomplishments without immediately moving on to the next thing on your to-do list?
What if you could be proud of yourself for trying, even when the outcome wasn't what you hoped?
And the beautiful thing is that you don't have to wait until you feel more confident, accomplish more, or get your life together to start.
You can begin with the person you are today.
You can practice offering yourself the same consideration you'd offer a friend. You can notice when you're being unnecessarily hard on yourself and try a more compassionate response. You can acknowledge your efforts, respect your feelings, and give yourself permission to be a work in progress.
You won't always get it right. You'll have moments when your old habits show up, and that's okay, too.
Building a relationship with yourself is takes practice.
And just like any other relationship, it grows through the little things you do consistently.