What Matters to You?
Boundaries with ourselves can help us make choices based on our values instead of our automatic habits, fears, or impulses.
But that brings up an important question:
What are your values?
You might say, “I value being a good person.”
And of course, most of us want to be kind, honest, caring, and respectful.
But I'm talking about something a little more personal.
What matters to you?
What do you want your life to stand for?
What do you want more of?
What do you want to protect?
What do you want your choices to reflect?
For me, some of the values at the top of my list are connection, aloha, mental health, and personal growth.
Those words aren't just nice ideas. They help me understand what's important to me—and ideally, they help guide the choices I make.
Values aren't a list of rules
Sometimes we confuse our values with the rules we've been taught about how we're supposed to behave.
Be nice.
Be helpful.
Work hard.
Take care of other people.
Don't disappoint anyone.
Be responsible.
There's nothing wrong with any of those things. But if we aren't careful, we can spend a lot of our lives trying to be a “good person” while losing touch with what actually matters.
You can be a kind person and still value your own peace.
You can be generous and still value your time.
You can care deeply about other people and still value independence.
You can value connection and still need plenty of time alone (me).
Your values don't tell you what kind of person you're supposed to be.
They help you identify what makes a life feel meaningful and authentic to you.
Your values show up in everyday life
Values can sound big and abstract until you start looking at how they show up in your actual life.
If you value connection, maybe spending meaningful time with people you love matters more to you than having a perfectly productive day.
If you value mental health, maybe protecting your downtime is important—even when you could technically squeeze one more thing into your schedule.
If you value personal growth, maybe you're willing to have uncomfortable conversations or try something new because becoming more of yourself matters to you.
If you value aloha, perhaps you want the way you interact with people to reflect warmth, generosity, compassion, and respect.
Your values don't have to be dramatic.
They show up in the little choices you make every day.
So… what matters to you?
If you're not sure, think about these questions:
When do I feel most like myself?
What makes my life feel meaningful?
What do I want to make more room for?
What am I unwilling to sacrifice?
What qualities do I want to bring into my relationships?
What do I want my life to feel like—not just look like?
You can also think about the moments when something feels really wrong to you.
Sometimes the things that bother us can point toward something we value.
If being constantly rushed makes you miserable, maybe you value peace.
If superficial relationships leave you feeling empty, maybe you value connection.
If being told what to do makes you want to run for the hills, maybe you value freedom or independence.
If you're happiest when you're learning, creating, or challenging yourself, maybe growth is important to you.
Sometimes our values become clearer when we notice what we're missing.
There is no perfect list
You don't need to come up with ten impressive-sounding words.
The goal isn't to create a list that looks good on paper.
It's to identify the things that genuinely matter to you.
And once you know what those things are, you have something to come back to when you're making decisions.
Because your values can become a compass—not a set of rules telling you what you have to do, but something that helps you find your way when fear, guilt, habit, or other people's expectations start pulling you in a different direction.